Embodied Inner Stability Serves the City
When I operate from a place of fear I am compelled to anticipate the actions and reactions of others in response to my self-expression in order to defend myself. I need to calculate my moves because there’s a voice within me that tells me that there is some kind of danger. Intellectually, I know that there is very little danger but I’m wired to anticipate danger at every turn. This assumption of fear sabotages my ability to express myself. (There are times when this is correct but it is harmful to myself to operate as if this is always the case.) I am in my own way. Most importantly, this happens both consciously and unconsciously.
“I’m embarking on an experiment to shift my ‘inner stance’”
I’m embarking on an experiment to shift my “inner stance” away from this:
Shift FROM an inner stance of fear and protection (conscious and unconscious)
The experiment involves shifting to an inner stance of surrender (below), that welcomes feedback as an opportunity to learn about myself, work to integrate that learning into my being (my work, my writing, how I relate to other people) and share what I learn along the way.
“Share” takes place in many ways. It can be explicit in how I express myself in my writing, or how I express myself with friends, colleagues and family. Sharing is an act of self-expression.
“If I limit what I share to protect myself (or others) then I’m operating out of a place of fear.”
The nuance of this shift in stance is in the relationship between “share” and “feedback”. If I limit what I share to protect myself (or others) then I’m operating from a place of fear. If I share my self-expression without worrying about feedback, then I’m operating from a place of surrender. Where (and who) feedback comes from becomes impersonal; it becomes information to receive rather than information to fight and resist.
Shift TO an inner stance of trust and surrender
When my marriage ended almost four years ago I noticed two reactions in people: those that settled into the news and were supportive of our decision, and those that were flustered in a flurry of their reaction to the news. The latter group of people had an insatiable need to understand what happened and were unable to provide support despite good intentions. Their emotional needs needed to be met before they could acknowledge our needs; they needed our support instead of offering us support.
A marriage ending offers huge insights into relationships, both between myself and my partner, but also between myself and the people around me. There was a lot of hurt at the time and the process continues as I learn to both experience the emotional currents and detach myself from the “baggage” waving around that does not belong to me.
“ I learn to both experience the emotional currents and detach myself from the ‘baggage’ waving around that does not belong to me.”
I now make an effort to experience an impersonal aspect to my relationships that allows both me and the other be be far more personal with each other:
My emotional reactions are mine to explore with myself, to learn more about myself and how I relate to the world around me. I do as much of this work as I can when circumstances allow.
It is my responsibility to tend to my emotional reactions and responsibly communicate my needs to others. If they are not able to meet my needs, it is not personal.
Others’ emotional reactions are their reactions, to learn more about themselves and how they relate to the world around them. They do as much of this work as they can when circumstances allow.
It is others’ responsibility to tend to their emotional reactions and responsibly communicate their needs to me. If I am not able to meet their needs, it is not personal.
When I am able to hold space for others’ emotional reactions I will do so, and when I am not, I will not (and in ideal circumstances express why).
When others are able to hold space for my emotional needs they will do so, and when they are not, they will not (and in ideal circumstances express why).
Making the shift
I’m working on strengthening my emotional courage to receive feedback by receiving it impersonally. This does not mean I don’t care, or that I am indifferent; it means that I commit to do the work that is mine, and when I am able, support others to do the work that is theirs to do. This embodies sovereignty — mine and others. This does not meant that I blast my opinion everywhere, ignorant of context and capacity of others to hear. I aim to communicate effectively.
“I am asking myself to practise receiving information from the outside world and work with it without my emotions getting caught.”
I am asking myself to practise receiving information from the outside world and work with it without my emotions getting caught, rather than entering into an emotional fights with others (which are always about myself). This will take practice, but not the kind of practice I am use to; it is more subtle, more embodied.
I am in the process of making a shift from inner stability to embodied inner stability. I don’t know exactly what this means, but I recognize that it starts with a series of questions:
What is it I want to express?
Who do I wish to express myself to?
What does surrendering to my self-expression feel like?
What information does my body have for me? My brain? My emotions?
What supports and/or practices do I need to arrange for myself? And what supports do I need from others?
What does this change about how I move through the world?
And in these questions, I will find how to best serve myself and in turn serve the city.
REFLECTION:
What information does your body, your mind, or your emotions have for you?
What do you wish to responsibly express that you have yet to express?